I have been a member of the Domestic Violence Survivors group since October of 07. At that time, I had been out of my abusive relationship for 3 months, and since then have faithfully read/posted/replied to this group everyday. I have read about successes, women who have finally gotten out; the pain, the black eyes, the bruises, the life altering injuries, the miscarriages due to abuse, the homelessness, the hunger, the sexual abuse done to their child, emotional abuse that will require therapy for many years to come, the destroyed self-esteem, the financial ruin, the custody battles, terror, fear, depression, the baby steps, the moments of "being still", the "escape" plans, dealing with cps, dealing with insensitive cops, dealing with "blind" in-laws, friends turning their backs, siblings who don't want to "see", the exhaustion of telling the truth, only to not be believed, of a system that gives visitation to a man who has abused mommy, but didn't the harm children, full custody to the abuser while maligning the mommy with falsehoods. I have read the tears, the cries for help, the frustration, the exhaustion, and the utter dismay of so many women who just want to be safe, and to raise their children in an environment that is loving, and peaceful.
Some of us have been able to keep our homes, some of us have been evicted because of our abusers, some of us live with our parents, some of us live in shelters, some of us have moved over state lines, some of us have changed our identities, some of us live in one room apartments and some of us can't leave the abuse because we would have no where to live. We have had to choose to stay so our children have a roof over their heads. We have had to stay because our abusers would kill us or our children if we try to leave, that an RO is only a piece of paper. Some of us stay because our abuser will steal our kids. We stay because the fear of the abuser is so powerful, it paralyzes us. Some of us stay because we know we can't "win" because of who the abuser knows, who his relatives are or where he works. Some of us barely breathe because state laws vary, one state seems to recognize the devastation of Domestic Violence, while another State thinks we are making this stuff up just to get back at our "man".
As foreword thinking our society has become, it is amazing, that even with photographic evidence, medical records, police reports, and even eyewitnesses, that a woman has to fight every step of the way to be safe. That our laws will still extend "parental rights" to a man who has beaten us, stabbed us, shot us, threaten to kill us in front of your children, raped us, sexually abused our children, held us prisoners for hours or days, terrorized every moment alone with them, called us every degrading name you can think of, thrown things at us, destroyed our children's toys, had/have us so programmed that every waking moment we walked on eggshells, hid in a room with the kids in hopes he would just leave us alone. We have stayed awake for hours and hours, trying to get our children to sleep so that they wouldn't cry, kept ourselves awake, in hopes that he would fall asleep, and not want to touch us. To close our eyes, "go somewhere else" when he did touch us. To cower in a corner, trying so hard to protect our unborn child to the punches and kicks, to make ourselves as small as possible to minimize the contact. To try to comfort and soothe the desperate cries of children as they watch mommy get hurt. And after all that, we try not to bash these "fathers" to our children, to not speak disrespectfully about them, to make it seem that Daddy has a "boo-boo" and when he gets it fixed maybe you can see him again. Or the worst scenario, is sit on that chair and watch your children get in the car with him for his overnight visits and pray and pray so hard that your children will come home ok. And after all our children have seen and heard, you have to convince your children that they will be alright being alone with him. God forbid we alienate our abusers.
A little boy was just shot and killed by his father because he would've rather kill his son than pay child support. This father never took advantage of his visitation rights, until the law caught up with over his support payments; so he finally "sees" his son for the first time, and kills him. I can't even comment, the rage I feel over this is unbelievable.
When do the eyes of law open. When do the ears of justice, hear our cries. We are entitled to the rights that every citizen of this country has, except when it comes to our safety, and our children's safety. We are thought of as victims, and we are, until we realize that we have to become survivors, not only from our abusive relationships, but survivors of our laws, judges, cps, doctors, housing, food stamps, in-laws, lawyers, and the ignorance of many who, until you have wept in our shoes, have no idea of the life-encompassing consequences of domestic violence.
